Good morning, good afternoon, good evening. Wherever you are I hope you have blue skies. Welcome to That Other Lifestyle podcast. I am your host Jayson, leave Vanilla behind as we talk about evolving in through your Lifestyle Journey.
Vaginas. Bet that got your attention. We are not talking about vaginas today, we are talking about evolving in the lifestyle and your own personal journey through the lifestyle. Everyone’s path is different, there are similarities for sure, but all journeys are unique and special. Like vaginas.
Please note this podcast is intended only for adults. Not safe for work. We will talk about adult or sexual topics, and I will use salty language, often. This content is for entertainment purposes only and again only for those over 18 years of age. Feel free to send me an email at host@thatotherlifestyle.com. Take a look at my website, thatotherlifestyle.com and my list of recommendations at www.benable.com/thatotherlifestyle.
I also try to be as inclusive with my language and terms as I can. It can be challenging to formulate and write and say all the inclusive terms in every instance. For simplicity's sake and time management, I may use terms like husband or wife or partner, or spouse for the purpose of the narrative I am sharing. This podcast is for everyone though, no matter what your background, gender identity, gender expression, or whatever truth you may be living. Everyone is welcome no matter how you personally experience the lifestyle and ethical non-monogamy.
There will be broad generalizations about people’s journey in the lifestyle in this episode. Maybe you listen and think meh that doesn’t apply to me and my wife in our personal story. Your personal story involves more cock and ball torture than I discuss.
Maybe y’all are the couple that goes full throttle every weekend, treating your genitals like they’re in a marathon and forgot how to pace themselves. Or maybe y’all are the couple that pops up once a year like a rare Pokémon, then vanishes back into the bushes until the itch—and I mean the good kind—brings you back.
No one’s journey is the same. No couple or single person experiences Ethical Non Monogamy the same. I can illuminate patterns I have seen but this is a highly personal journey that only you and your spouse can walk. It’s like a choose your own adventure book. Every time you read through it you go on a different adventure, unless you cheat and find the good ending then work your way backwards.
The best narrative device I could think of for this journey is the seasons. As the calendar turns, we experience different weather and conditions and situations, just like the Lifestyle. Not all the seasons may flow in the correct order or maybe y’all will never get to the winter of the lifestyle. Promise this will make sense. I got a whole thing worked out.
And another thing, there is no time limit on anything in the Lifestyle. If y’all want to stay in that excited newbie stage forever, do it. If you jump straight into a quiet winter phase that is okay too. You do you. We can also call these phases or stages.
Your desires will evolve and change. Your play style might go from 'wild and adventurous' to 'let's just cuddle and binge-watch cooking shows.' Other couples may drop out, ghost you, or suddenly decide they’re into bird watching instead of bed swapping. Relationships can evolve into friendships—or fall apart faster than cheap lingerie. Just like Mother Nature, who can’t decide if it’s summer or a monsoon, the lifestyle can be a fickle bitch. And let’s be honest, your own enjoyment of the lifestyle can be just as unpredictable—one day you’re all in, the next you’re like, 'Nah, I think I’ll stay home and pet my dog instead.
You evolve with your spouse—or at least you try. My wife and I have definitely evolved. Our communication skills leveled up from 'subtle eyebrow raises across the room' to full-on 'we need a code word for this kind of weirdness.' The way you communicate as a couple changes too, you get better at saying no, opting out of awkward situations, and avoiding those couples who bring nothing but chaos and cheap wine to the table.
Sure, you get better at managing the lifestyle’s curveballs, but let’s be real: I can talk to you all day—seriously, I will—about navigating this world. But until you live it, until you’re in the thick of it trying to decode a group chat that’s 90% emojis, there are some hard lessons you’re just going to have to learn for yourself.
There are five seasons that make up the lifestyle. Yes five. We are not limited to four because I wanted to add in an extra one and it’s my show and it makes sense to me. We have the Thaw, Spring, Summer, Autumn and Winter.
The Thaw is the pre lifestyle stage. It is a time of questioning and daydreaming. Asking the what if question. It is the time for couples to talk and think and figure out if they believe their marriage can handle the lifestyle, if the idea gets them excited and if both people enthusiastically want to participate.
The Thaw season is super awkward. One partner has an idea, a fantasy they don’t know the words to express. There is worry that the other partner might not connect or could react badly. It is a time of hesitation and hibernation. Or maybe it’s a time of discovery. The warmth from the lifestyle briefly shines on the horizon, drawing, tempting, calling.
If you’re in the thaw phase, know this: it’s okay to feel curious and awkward, like a baby deer figuring out how to walk. Lucky for you, there are resources to help—blogs, articles, and podcasts like this one. You know, the kind of stuff you can listen to while pretending to pay attention at work.
Please note. This is not the time, not at this stage to go online, make a profile somewhere and hope really really hard that your spouse will be on board. That is ass backwards thinking. I have seen it though. One partner, usually the husband, thinks if he makes a profile, gets a couple interested then his wife has to play along, right? A bizarre combination guilting your spouse into doing this and secrecy.
Then there are the people who don’t even talk to their spouse and want to use the lifestyle to cheat on their marriage. Those people suck. Those people are the absolute worst. Don’t do this or the other scenario. Lifestyle people turns out, we are fairly intelligent and can see through this bullshit quickly. You will get caught. You will get exposed. It will not end well for you.
Anyway, back to the Thaw. I also want to call this stage the Thaw because it is at this point frozen ideas about monogamy and sex are melting. Poking up through the ice, beyond the glaciers, is the hint of a grand new world about to explode with life.
Please do not proceed past the Thaw season unless both people are on board. Talk it out. Talk it out a lot. Granted no conversation can adequately prepare anyone for the first time seeing your spouse with another person. Still, talk it out. Make sure you and your spouse are ready because it is about to get wild.
Ya’ll have crawled your way out of the frozen tundra and decided to join the Lifestyle, what now? Now it’s Spring. Welcome to world. Everywhere flowers are blooming, and sunshine and you discover this entire secret society bouncing along outside the confines of the vanilla world. Congratulations, you are newbies.
There is no technical definition of when a person stops being a newbie. Maybe experience plays a big factor. I would not say number of partners or encounters figures into that determination though. It’s a label we give ourselves and drop when we feel right.
What makes Spring so great? You are taking baby steps into the lifestyle. Meeting new people, seeing what is out there. This is a great time. Go enjoy it. Spring time is when you figure out what you like and don’t like. What activities resonate with you? You get to meet everyone.
A bit of guidance on the Spring season for newbies. Enjoy and go at your own pace. It is no secret at all that newbies are really popular in the LS. Once you have been in this for a while, you have met and fucked and talked to most everyone in your local area. Newbies are new. Newbies are popular because they are new. This ain’t a creepy thing though.
I don’t know of anyone who gets excited about being a new couples first couple. I personally don’t want to be anyone’s first. I do not want to be in the room when someone decides they suddenly have a problem with me dicking down their wife. I don’t want to be the couple that helps another couple figure out whether the Lifestyle is for them.
And look sex with newbies, it’s kind of meh. Hot take by me, but sex is kind of meh. They don’t have the experience of knowing how to pleasure anyone other than their spouse. They figure well my husband likes this so that means every man enjoys this. No no no. Your husband may like you to yank on his balls and spit in his mouth. Not for me. No, don’t want that.
To experienced couples credit, we ask. We ask and are not nervous to ask, what do you enjoy? What do you like? Favorite positions, favorite activities, favorite places to touch, where should I not put my fingers, you know questions to make the fuckery better for everyone.
Start slowly, maybe a meet and greet or simple date. I promise before you know it someone will invite you to a lingerie party and all you can mumble to yourself is “baby steps, baby steps”.
So, newbies, enjoy the Spring time because Summer is next. Oh, glorious Summer. If you were newbies in the Springtime, now you are summer fuck machines. Once you get past that awkward newbie stage, met a few couples, the doors open. I also call this a hoe phase. Not in a derogatory way, more of a hey you bout to have lots of sex. Can’t say how many people but I can say it is more sex than you had during the thaw stage. Means I am technically right which is the best kind of right.
It is totally normal and lots of people go through the hoe phase. You want it, there are people willing, and you get it. This hoe phase might last six months or two years. It all depends.
What does it depend on? How active do you want to be? Can you handle a new couple every month or every weekend? Do you want that? Are you figuring out what you like? And no fucking judgement from me on this. The hoe phase is fun.
You have more confidence, and you are comfortable in the LS. You want to experience everything you can. Go for it. As long as you use protection, everyone is consenting and y’all are having fun. Go for it.
The benefit of the summer season is experience. The summer season gets as packed as a buffet and you can sample whatever you want. You RSVP to so many events, names mean nothing. Your brain breaks. You can’t look at an upside down pineapple without wondering if you stumbled onto a secret orgy. Summer in the Lifestyle when you can get wild. Like mixing sunscreen and glitter, in case you need to sparkle at the beach.
Upside of the Summer season, you are learning. Downside of the summer season, you are learning. This is the phase when your preconceived ideas of how you and your spouse will operate may need to be reconsidered. Not a bad thing. Never a bad thing to talk to your spouse. The rules and guidelines y’all started with, may not work in practicality or may not work for what y’all enjoy. Maybe you figured out you really enjoy orgies and want to do more of that. Or you both realized you are not separate room people and prefer same room. Or separate room.
Summer will inevitably give way to Autumn. Autumn in the Lifestyle is a time of friendship, deepening relationships, maybe slowing down a little bit. More events and parties. During the summer you built up a network of people, you found your tribe. You find people you consider friends. Yes, we can have friends in the lifestyle. Granted we are usually naked and fucking as soon as they walk in the door, but we are friends. We might know each other’s middle names or pertinent personal information besides their favorite sex positions.
Autumn is when you can enjoy the friendships you have made. You may not be fucking new couples every weekend, may prefer fucking a few couples instead. This is the phase when you have built a substantial costume collection too. Suddenly you now own an outfit that is both a sexy lumberjack and works for flannel fetish night. It is not unusual to stop meeting new people once you have found your tribe either.
I see summer as a celebration of sex while autumn is a celebration of connections. Different connections than you can make in the vanilla world. I dare say, you don’t know someone until you have seen their buttholes. Sometimes you see their buttholes before you even meet them. Which has happened to me a few times.
This phase also involves more travel. Since you are more confident and comfortable, now is a good time to try out that resort or cruise or hotel takeover. I have met people, their very first experience in the LS was adults only cruise. Nothing before that. They decided to join the LS, booked the cruise and got on the boat. I have respect for that. That is a power move.
That’s not even jumping in before you know how to swim. That is flying nine miles out into the ocean, jumping in and then paddling around with floaties on.
Autumn is a good time. Autumn is a time to look back on your journey. I promise you made mistakes. I promise you stuck your pecker somewhere you wish you had not stuck your pecker. And that’s okay. As long as you are learning, you are okay.
Finally, come to winter. Now, I loathe winter—cold toes, scraping ice off your car, and wondering why you live somewhere with seasons—but in the lifestyle, winter is actually kind of amazing. It’s not a pause, and it’s definitely not a stop. Winter might mean dialing back the fuckery—way back. Maybe you’re only seeing one or two couples. Or maybe it’s just you, your partner, and a bottle of whiskey, reminiscing about the glory days like retired swingers in a rocking chair.
Sometimes the vanilla world barges in like an uninvited guest—new jobs, kids, or that one friend who totally didn’t mean to out you at brunch. The vanilla world may force you into the winter season due to outside factors.
But just like the seasons, the lifestyle keeps marching on. Spring will roll around again, and before you know it, you’ll be dusting off the lingerie drawer and RSVPing to another party. Because if there’s one thing the lifestyle teaches you, it’s that there’s always time for another round...even if you’re wearing fuzzy socks while you wait.
Can you ever really go back to being a newbie? Maybe. The local LS community tends to cycle every seven years, so take a really long break and when you come back no one will know you. Not entirely realistic but it could work. Take y’all back to that feeling of spring.
I don’t want anyone to think a winter phase is bad. None of these phrases are inherently good or bad. Winter is a time for reflection. Ya’ll know what y’all enjoy so focus on that. It may not even be the sex. It might be just the parties. It might be just the vacations. It might be just a very specific type of orgy involving latex gloves and paddles and homemade slime. No wrong answer.
Two benefits to hitting the winter stage. One benefit, no or less FOMO. You have done everything. The exciting new meetup in town, meh. You have been to meetups before. You already know everyone going. It might be more fun to sit at home and drink hot cocoa and watch Muppet movies. You’ve done it all and now it takes a really good reason to get out of the house. And you are okay with that.
The other benefit, way more comfortable not fucking around. In the spring stage and summer stage, there is more self-imposed pressure to do the sex. Every date should end in the sex. Every encounter has the potential to end in sex. You put pressure on yourself to initiate the sex. In the winter season, again meh. If it happens, great. If not, no big deal.
This cycle does not end in the winter phase as I mentioned. You can go back deep into the lifestyle whenever you want. The first party after a break, everyone will ask where y’all have been. You could say something mysterious like oh reconnecting or rediscovering ourselves when the truth is it was Netflix. Watching lots of tv.
When you return to the social sites, there will be a weird sense of déjà vu as you try to figure out if you meet a couple before or maybe they just changed their profile picture.
We all take this journey through the lifestyle in our own way. Maybe as a couple, two people went from Spring straight to Winter. Or another stays perpetually in Summer. These are phases, seasons and stages of the Lifestyle that you will experience as you grow and evolve in the Lifestyle.
There are two points that need to be addressed in addition to all this, talk about seasons and phases and evolving. What does being bad at swinging mean and how active should you be? These two questions go hand in hand.
I have heard people refer to themselves as bad at swinging. Maybe they go to a sex club and don’t hook up with anyone. Or they have a couple over and nothing happens. Or they are not good at meeting new couples digitally. Or in person.
They may profess that based on this criteria they are bad at swinging. This is bullshit. There is no such thing as bad at swinging. Yeah, could be, not very good at making the transition to sexy time, which can be fucking awkward as hell. My favorite tactic is just yell it out. Hey y’all want to go get naked or keep playing uno? Even better if you can just work out the code phrase transition with another couple. Someone yells out transition and everyone gets naked. Probably laughing the whole time. Don’t take the sex so serious.
Sex is the bonus to the lifestyle, not the goal or it shouldn’t be. Some people, yes sex is the goal and only sex and that is all they want. Most people I have met in the LS, sex is the extra on top of meeting good people, making friends and having fun.
If you think you are bad at swinging, stop thinking that sex is the goal. That will help. Appreciate the moments you have for what they are. Now if sex is your goal, get better at closing the deal. Say something. Speak up.
You are not a bad swinger because you did not get laid. Stop applying these labels to yourself or anyone else. There is no such thing as a bad swinger. But Jayson you think, what about bad people who are swingers. That is a different distinction and class of ass hole. Swinging is an activity that we cannot assign a metric of being good or bad.
Swingers, well they can run the gamut from wonderful, kind people that you would let babysit your dog all the way out there to folks who make you double-check the expiration date on the bottle of wine they brought to the party. Sketchy motherfuckers. Remember we are still dealing with humans and all the drama, insanity, weirdness, awkwardness, and occasional moments of pure 'Did that really just happen?' that come with them.
How active should you be? This is my sanitized way of saying, how often should you be fucking other people? Specifically, the fucking. Not counting all the other activities like parties and all that. No this is specific to fuckery in whatever form that takes.
Well, the obvious answer is exactly 3.18 times per week. Exactly. Do not deviate from this average. If you deviate from this average, then your swinger card will be revoked, and you will be forced to no longer participate in any shenanigans if you fall below this number.
Making all this up. There is no right or wrong answer on how often a couple should be having sex with another couple. Dates and meetups and the tamer activities, those don’t count. Talking specifically of getting naked and having sex.
What is the right answer? There is no right answer. It is totally dependent upon comfort level, availability, outside factors, whether or not you feel like taking your clothes off. This misconception of the correct amount of activity seems to be a self-imposed standard.
Wait. I want to point out that there is a pesky attitude from some people in the lifestyle that you can be too active. However, they define that. To them I say eat a salty pinecone. Usually, this standard of being too active is imposed by people who ascribe to the motto “do as I say not as I do”.
As in the ones who try to force this standard and it is forcing and it is wrong, onto another couple, that couple doing the forcing, they want to go get laid as much as they want and then convince you that you should be exclusive to them or only do the deed with a small number of people. Usually, newbies will run into newbie hunters with this attitude and it’s not cool and I did a whole episode on it.
Back to the question at hand: What’s the “correct” amount of activity in the lifestyle? Spoiler alert: there’s no answer. Whatever works for y’all, do that. Seriously. No one should apply a standard to you—not society, not your swinger besties, and definitely not you.
This idea that there’s some magic “acceptable amount of fuckery”—whether it’s a little dabble or a full-blown weekend bonanza—is straight-up vanilla-world nonsense. And let me tell you, that nonsense is rooted in the kind of toxic crap we’ve all been trying to leave behind, like slut-shaming, insecurity, and a general misunderstanding of how joy works.
You literally cannot win. In the vanilla world, if you’re too active, you’re a slut. Not active enough? Now you’re a prude. Pick a lane, Brenda. And it gets better—before marriage, they’re all “don’t you dare have sex!” Then, the second you say “I do” and you’re dragging your rice-dusted butt down the aisle, it’s suddenly “When are you having babies?” The math doesn’t math. One minute, sex is forbidden. The next, they’re scheduling it for you.
But here in the lifestyle? That nonsense doesn’t fly. No one’s watching your calendar or counting your scorecard. You want to hit up every party and make it rain condoms? Great. Prefer to indulge in spicy fun once a year at a resort where no one can judge your tan lines? Also, great. It’s all about what feels good to you and your partner.
As long as it’s safe, consensual, and fun, you’re golden. And guess what? That includes not judging yourself, either. Let me say it louder for the people in the back: you don’t have to meet some imaginary quota of swinging to be “officially in the lifestyle.”
I’ve seen it all. There are couples who go full end every weekend, living their best lives. Then there are couples who have one glorious adventure every few years. You know what? Both are valid. Both are lifestyle AF. And neither need to justify their choices to anyone.
The bottom line: there’s no Lifestyle Olympics. No medals for Most Swingery Couple of the Year. Do what works for you. Because at the end of the day, this is about connection, fun, and freedom—not about keeping up with anyone else’s pace of play.
So go forth, be fabulous, and remember: the only wrong amount of fuckery is the one you didn’t agree to
That is the discussion on acceptable amount of fucking, what about active in communities or groups or attending events? That’s a side of the lifestyle too. Here’s the deal. It is entirely likely that y’all will join chat groups or online communities. Those groups or tribes may have participation requirements. It’s a thing. Either have to attend a certain number of events for the group or pay money to be in the group though this is usually a real business doing this one.
Breaking this down. If you have to pay money to be in a group or a social club, then make sure you are getting the value for your money out of that club. As in, am I getting access to special events or meet ups that are worth my money?
If a group has participation requirements, are they worth it? If you have to get a babysitter or a hotel room or make a time investment, those are real tangible costs that you have to weigh against participating in this club. Find out before you join what active means to the organizers of the group. Do they care how active you are?
Are you just in this group for an once year event? Is that okay? All considerations that go into what being active in the LS means. You don’t have to join any group or club to have fun in the Lifestyle. At the fuck all. Ya’ll can date and meet people without joining anything. It happens. Now groups make it easier to meet new people, they can be entertaining, and they may organize events. So, there is a tradeoff.
Being in the Lifestyle is more a mindset than a physical activity. You can participate in the Lifestyle as a no swap couple and I will be the first person to open the gate for you. We cannot gatekeep the lifestyle, issue stupid standards of activity, nor tell anyone they can’t be part of our super-secret club because they don’t play enough or too much. Our community has to be better than that.
Before we wrap things up today, I’ve got to tell you about a little thing called Early Bird Morning Cocktail—and no, it’s not the kind of cocktail that gets you sideways at a pool party. Early Bird hit me up with an offer: “Hey Jayson, we’ll send you a free starter kit if you review it for your audience.” So here I am, giving you the real deal, because honesty is the house rule around here.
I tried the Blue Rizz Chiller flavor. They also offer Blood Orange Mimosa and Pink Guava Colada, which sound like they should come with a tiny umbrella. As for the taste? It’s… alright. But listen, I’m the guy who willingly drinks things labeled “ghost blood” and “gorilla piss,” so my taste buds are battle-hardened from pre-workout powders. Let’s just say if you can handle swinging socials, you can handle this.
Now, let’s get nerdy. This product is a mix of electrolytes, antioxidants, and nootropics, which is fancy talk for wakes you the fuck up so you can drive home and pretend that you don’t have a raging hangover. If you’re familiar with pre-workout powders, it’s essentially pre-workout for people who don’t work out. It’s a coffee alternative with 130 mg of caffeine—right between a cup of coffee at 90 mg and a Monster Energy drink at 130 mg. But unlike your hardcore pre-workout which can have upwards of 300 mg of caffeine, this won’t leave you vibrating and hearing your hair grow.
I waited for the perfect day to try this. And by “perfect,” I mean the morning after a Friday night that got a little too friendly. Late-night socializing, too much fun, and I woke up feeling like a reanimated corpse. Enter Early Bird: I shook up a scoop, sipped it down, and… y’all, it actually worked. I felt human again. Not ready to run a marathon, but definitely capable of walking upright and forming complete sentences.
Who’s this for? It’s your lifesaver when you’ve had one too many cocktails at a Risqué hotel takeover, crashed at 3 a.m., and need to rally by 7 a.m. It’s easy to mix—one scoop in 12 ounces of water, shake, and drink. Much simpler than trying to wrangle a hotel room coffee maker while your head’s still pounding.
The verdict? If you’re looking for a quick, no-jitters boost after a long night or you’re just not into coffee or energy drinks, this is worth a shot. Plus, no weird face-tingling sensations like pre-workout. I’m giving this a solid 4.8 tropical drinks out of five on my imaginary made up scale. My only critique is I wish they sold the product in a smaller container so it could fit inside my recovery bag instead of having to bring a whole container with me. Small thing. Not enough to throw off my recommendation.
You can grab it at clubearlybird.com—promo code Lifestyle-768—or hit up my benable.com recommendations page for the link. That is benable.com/thatotherlifestyle. Trust me, toss it in your recovery bag. Your future hungover self will thank you.
I always appreciate hearing your feedback and comments on episodes or suggestions for topics, so feel free to reach out to me. Go to thatotherlifestyle.com for the blog, courses and other fun stuff.
My personal disclaimer, I am not a medical professional nor a trained and certified educator of any kind in any way. I am a guy with a microphone, sharing my personal experiences with you. This podcast is for entertainment purposes only and please join us for the next episode.
Whatever you may do today, I hope it is a fantastic time doing it. Know that you are appreciated and loved. Have a great day.
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