Good morning, good afternoon, good evening. Wherever you are I hope you have blue skies. Welcome to That Other Lifestyle podcast. I am your host Jayson, leave Vanilla behind as we talk about a nice cup of tea.
This podcast is for adults only. We’ll be diving into adult and sexual topics with plenty of colorful language, so it’s not safe for work. If you’re under 18, this isn’t the place for you. This show is all about exploring the lifestyle and ethical non-monogamy, and it’s open to everyone no matter your background, gender identity, expression, or personal truth. While I do my best to use inclusive language, you might hear terms like husband, wife, or partner for simplicity’s sake. This show is for everyone, lifestyle, vanilla, or the curious.
Want to connect? Send me an email to host@thatotherlifestyle.com, visit my website at thatotherlifestyle.com, and check out my favorite lifestyle product recommendations at benable.com/thatotherlifestyle. Everyone is welcome here because the lifestyle is about so much more than you think.
I sat transfixed by a bonfire last Saturday night. The sparks crackling from the fire rising, lifting, flying higher and higher to become the stars waking in the night sky that crept in from the east, laying a blanket over the horizon. Within the fire, I saw purples and reds and yellows matching the sky behind me while the sun sank beneath the tree line on the other side of the lake. I drank in the moment noting the sensations of each of my senses.
My feet crunched on dry grass. Wood crackled, sending a faint hint of smoke through the air. The first warm night of the year and I sat happily in a tank top and shorts, my usual summer attire pulled out early. My hands were cold from my own concoction of tequila and sprite and lime, don’t knock it till you try it. It is sour and bright. Best I could do tonight with limited ingredients, and I will lie to myself and call it a margarita.
Waves slapped against the dock. Arrhythmic, no frequency unlike ocean waves, lakes are weird.
I take stock of this moment because I want to remember it, I want to keep it. Even now, days later, this combination of sensations is bringing me back to that bonfire with friends. I want to save that night. Deep in my mind, locked away, safe from the noise of daily life, this memory to be placed on a pedestal in the vault of forever.
We didn’t take any pictures last weekend. No picture can do these ephemeral motes of time justice. Just like no picture can ever truly do a party or a concert or a smile justice. Only my own memories will keep this beautiful moment safe.
My memory of each beat of time may fade. I may forget what I was drinking. I may forget what I was wearing or in time distant from now, I may forget where we were. I may forget the sequence of events during the day that led to this night. I will remember though that good people, happy people gathered one night, sat around a fire to celebrate a friend’s birthday in the woods by a lake.
I will remember these good people that I enjoy their company so much. We were all strangers at some point and by that lake, by that fire we were friends, laughing and smiling. Strange how a smile always flashes bright by fire light, like we were designed by evolution and the universe for these moments.
There is tragic beauty here. A tragic temporary beauty because soon we would all go back to our normal boring lives in a few days. I will record this night for posterity here on this show and share it out with the world so you dear listener can summon similar memories and reminisce on your own happy times by bonfires with friends.
We few gathered together, would go back to our boring lives. The ashes of the bonfire will be scattered by the wind and one day, in a distant time, this night will no longer be remembered or celebrated. We left that cabin, returning to the vanilla world. Going through the daily motions of life once again as zombies, devoid of sensation. We would all deal with the stress and anxiety of our modern world in our own ways.
Here in this moment, this little silver of time so insignificant on the cosmic scale that it could not be measured, there in that moment I am happy and thankful, peaceful and okay. I am surrounded by the beauty of the human connection.
I shake my glass, shifting the ice around, wondering if it is time for more tequila. We share our Lifestyle horror stories, dreams, and I learn more about these people. We sit outside past midnight, well into the witching hours. The conversation drifts in and out of spicy topics and mundane. Someone suggested we make this an annual trip. Let’s do this again and the group agree. Same cabin, same weekend next year. We will celebrate our friend’s birthday again next year.
That thought hurts me but not why you think. I am not worried about being left out for the next adventure. I am not hurt at the possibility I may not associate with anyone in this group ever again. I accept those vagaries of life. What hurts is I know this night can never happen again.
I know in my heart that nothing is ever the same. No two adventures are ever exactly the same no matter how hard we try. This is my secret I carry. I wouldn’t say I am a nihilist, a realist maybe. Pragmatic. I accept the inevitability that the universe never repeats itself.
My perception does not create any great sadness. I live with this outlook every day. I see the ethereal, temporary nature of all human encounters. I cannot unsee it.
Maybe we will make the trip again. Maybe we will have the exact same combination of people with us again. Maybe. Maybe we won’t. That is the tragedy of this moment. That is the little knife that pokes at the back of my brain because I know it will never be the same. This moment, this moment of peace and joy and happiness by this fire will never be the exact same no matter how much we wish. No matter how much we try, it can’t be the same.
Granted, most people will not give it this much thought. Accepting on the surface that two events, with enough similarity, are functionally the same. Though I disagree.
The wood in the fire cannot be burned twice. The drink in my hand cannot be drunk twice. The wind will not blow again. The water in the lake will be completely different in a year. And that is okay. We can’t catch lightning in a bottle twice. Each moment is special in its own way. What the fuck does this have to do with the Lifestyle? You really should be used to my meandering thoughts by now. Been doing this a year.
This show is my one-year anniversary show. I started the show on Feb. 16, 2024, when I dropped my first five episodes. It has been a wild ride, and I am not done yet. We can talk about the show in a little bit, for now stick with me as we talk about Inchigo Ichie.
Inchigo Ichie is a Japanese concept rooted in Zen Buddhism. The term translates roughly to one time, one meeting or once in a lifetime. It is an idea that each encounter, each interaction we have with another person is unique and will never happen the same way, the exact same way ever again. In all of human existence, no two interactions are the same. Each one is special.
Think about that. In all of human history, in all the history of this world and the universe, every experience, encounter is unique and will never be repeated. Sounds wrong on the surface, doesn’t it? You may wonder and ask, if I visit a friend every Sunday and we have a cup of coffee for exactly one hour, wouldn’t that be the same experience every time?
Is it though? The temperature outside is different. Maybe the temperature inside is different. But you are wearing different clothes. The stories you share are different. You are a week older each time. The atoms in your body have shifted and cycled since last week. The conversation will be different. So, while you are doing the same thing, it is not the exact same.
Hence Inchigo Ichie. I didn’t know there was a name for this concept till a few years ago. At some point I realized in my own life that each encounter between people is special. Not to get too morbid, but one day you will see your best friend for the last time. You will never know when that time is, so might as well make the most of every time.
Inchigo Ichie originated with Sen no Rikyu, a 16th century tea master in Japan. Apologies, I am bastardizing these pronunciations. Sen No Riyku was born in 1522 and studied Zen Buddhism as a young man which influenced his approach to the tea ceremony.
Pardon me in advance for my over simplistic explanation of a tea ceremony. A full chaji, the formal name for a tea gathering, can last up to four hours. It includes guests washing their hands, and a silent appreciation of the surroundings. Then a light meal followed by two tea services and then cleaning up. Super simplistic explanation.
During Sen no Rikyu’s time, Chanoyu (the Way of Tea) was a luxurious practice associated with elite samurai and the nobility, often involving elaborate Chinese ceramics and lavish settings, very fancy. Rikyū, however, rejected excess and materialism, embracing the philosophy of wabi-sabi, finding beauty in imperfection and transience. Wabi Sabi, cool idea there I encourage you to go dig into.
Rikyu refined the tea ceremony into an intimate meditative practice that emphasized simplicity, minimalism and mindfulness. His approach was based in the concept that no tea ceremony was ever the same twice. The humidity in the air, the flowers, conversations, clothing, emotions. Every time it would be different. We as humans can never truly recreate two moments in time exactly the same.
The idea of Inchigo Ichie is a reminder to cherish fleeting moments, to appreciate a moment for what is not what it could be or if it could be recreated again. For the Lifestyle, Ichigo Ichie has relevance to the way we do what we do. No two friendships, connections, encounters, parties or frisky nights will ever be the same. Every engagement with another couple is singular, standing on it’s own, shaped by the emotions we are bringing into the session, outside circumstances, the thread count on the sheets, the amount of lube used, that will never align in exactly the same way ever fucking again.
Recognizing this idea can help us fully embrace the now, let go of expectations and appreciate the beauty of these fleeting connections without clinging to expectations or outcomes.
Let’s say you meet a couple and go on a date. You go to a local sushi place, order a drink, there is a rare four-way connection. After dinner, y’all go to a hotel for a few hours of fuckery. Premium Grade A experience. So, you and your spouse plan another date with this couple six months from now to do it again.
Six months later, everyone is six months older. The weather is different. Last time, the date was in the summer. Less clothes and shorts. Now it’s winter so we have to wear coats. You try to go back to the sushi place but the drink you got last time was seasonal. Instead of tropical passionfruit margarita, you have to order a winter mint chocolate abomination that taste like ass. Your shoes are uncomfortable. The table is sticky.
The conversation doesn’t flow as easily. This time around is different. You went into this date with high hopes to recreate the last experience and instead this is a pale imitation, not what you wanted at all. No one’s fault. The date still ends in great sex and plans to do it again.
The hoping though, you had hopes for one type of night and it just didn’t go as planned. Nevertheless, you still feel disappointed. Why are you disappointed? You still got to spend times with friends, you still got laid. Your spouse had a good time. The other couple had a good time. In spite of all that, you feel disappointed.
I can tell you why you feel disappointed. You went into the date expecting to recreate what happened last time, setting an idea of what a perfect night would look like, wanting this date to be a recreation of the previous date. You went into the experience setting the whole date up for failure in your mind because no moment can ever be relived.
Each moment in time, each interaction, each session of four hours of fucking must exists as it’s own lived experience or you will be forever chasing the high you can never achieve.
Another example. I don’t drink tea. I drink coffee. I drink coffee every day, simple black coffee. Multiple cups of black coffee each day. Each morning, I make a pot of coffee. I have a brand I like. I put in three scoops of ground and a pot of water. I could probably do this in my sleep, maybe I have.
Each cup of coffee is different though, even if all the variables are the same. Coffee tastes different when it is cold outside. Maybe I am in a hurry and can’t savor it like I want. Maybe my fucking cat knocks over my first cup then looks at me like I am the one who screwed up by putting the cup on my desk in the first place. I love my cats. I have to appreciate each cup for what it is versus always comparing it to another cup of coffee or I will never be satisfied with the cup that I do have in my hand.
I feel applying this concept of Ichigo Ichie can go a long way to address the stresses that lifestyle can create. Walking around the cabin this weekend, I touched the wood on the stairs, I smelled the breeze, I heard laughter. These are all fleeting sensations of my human body that enhanced the experience but did not define it.
When you are with another couple, a woman’s touch is lovely. The way she smells. Her laughter. The way she tenses her body. These are all sensations of the act, but they do not define it. No one goes into sex thinking all that matters is the way her arm pits smell. Maybe someone does. No judgement. Most of us don’t. Sex is a composite of sensations that creates a whole. Just like the Lifestyle. Sensations that exist in one moment in time.
Orgasms are fleeting. As much as you want to live in that moment forever you can’t. The sensation of pleasure should not define the whole experience. It is a component of larger story. Maybe it is the climax of the story or the beginning of a new chapter.
The community, the people, your friends, your connections, all these components together create your experience in the Lifestyle. Accepting that these components will change, evolve, rise and fall allows you to experience the full spectrum that the lifestyle offers without trying to box yourself into one type of experience or constantly trying to recreate something.
Flipping this around, instead of saying I want to recreate an experience, change the outlook to I want to have a new experience. Recognize the uniqueness of each encounter and look forward to learning what the next one can offer.
Going one step further, I have seen couples run afoul of this. Take a couple, we will call them Beth and Bill because I don’t think I know a Beth or Bill. Beth or Bill meets a new couple and have great sex. Bill is smitten with the other wife. Bill wants another date with the other couple really bad. So, he pursues, he tries, and his efforts are in vain.
The stars are not aligning. The other couple is busy, and life happens. Bill gets upset because he wants this so bad that he gets pissy. It reminds me of an addiction. He wants another hit. He wants another date. He is making himself upset by chasing this, pushing against the will of a universe that is resistant to his actions.
By choosing to focus on this one couple, Bill is shutting the door to others. Applying Ichigo Ichie can help Bill put his emotions in check. Accepting that an encounter will not happen again the same way, frees the mind. Instead of trying to put lighting in a bottle twice, you can go chase a new thunderbolt.
Doing this allows you to check your emotions. It allows you to be mindful of what is upsetting you about any given situation. And knowing that no you cannot repeat an encounter frees you to look forward to the next adventure and put your energy into making the next adventure great.
Fixating on the past or trying to chase that high from previous sexual escapades, which will cause people to become stagnant in the LS. Which is bad. If there is one constant in the LS it is change. And sex. And the need for STI testing. STD Hero.com. Promo code TOL10. Boom smooth ad insertion.
The LS changes every day. Couples evolve, couples join, couples drop out. Single join and drop out. Every party you go to will have a different configuration of people, each time. That evolution and randomness is what makes the Lifestyle so damn special.
Compare this to the vanilla life. Every day you get up, go to work, do your job, go home, eat dinner, go to bed. Every day. Except for the weekends maybe. And those are taken up by family or social obligations that you really don’t want to do. But you have to. It’s part of being a functioning member of the vanilla world. Your time off work is taken up by stuff you don’t fucking want to do.
The lifestyle is different. We are admittedly a little bit weird and different over here. Different people, different arrangements of people, different places to put your bits. Just like this podcast I write every week. Every episode is special and inspired by my experiences in the Lifestyle, be it good or bad. I take the randomness I experience weekly, distill it down into a script and share it.
I like that. I like that two nights will ever be the same in my life. Yes, I will go back to that cabin next year. It will be a new adventure for me. Maybe I will have more fun or less fun. I will not go into the trip next year expecting to follow the exact same motions. That’s okay.
I find comfort in the randomness. I find comfort in the idea that the next adventure will be just as special.
Circling back to this, in the Lifestyle, do not get hung up on one date. Do not get hung up on one sexual occurrence. Do not think that if x happens then I will be happy. Free yourself from those thoughts. They only lead to ruin. You don’t know what you don’t know, and you don’t know what the next couple or the next date may offer.
Branching off from my rambling to go in a new direction. Be happy for the time you have with people and be happy with the time people give you. You ever try to write out a really deep thought and no matter how you position the words it does not sound as profound as you hope.
Tell you a story. A few years ago, hanging out with my mother who I don’t get to see in person as much as I want to. It was late at night, and I had a blinding migraine. Near vomiting, nail in the forehead migraine. I hurt. My mother kept telling me to go to bed and I was stubborn and said no. I said no because I wanted to spend every moment I could with her that night. You have been in the same spot, I am sure.
You have had a social engagement that you wanted to attend. Maybe you have your period or a headache or general unease. And you overcame it. You still showed up.
The joy of spending time with someone who means a lot to you matters more than the pain and discomfort you are in. For me, I wanted to spend time with my mother and migraine be damned. For you, it could be a friend you never get to see or a new hotel takeover.
I bring this up because sometimes in life, we will be uncomfortable or in pain or dealing with whatever in life and we solider on and we show up. You know this. You probably do this. Realize that other people do this too.
Honestly, you never know just by looking at what another person is dealing with. It could be pain or stress or anxiety. You don’t know. They could be standoffish or shy, nothing personal to do with you. They might be in excruciating pain and still trying to dance. They could be conditioned by their vanilla experience to think they always come across as weird when they don’t.
Give them grace. They are doing the best they can under the circumstances. I know people who are dealing with insane health issues, they will never let anyone know. They are the strongest, most amazing, most magnificent people I have ever met, and I feel lucky they shared their pain with me and more importantly, their presence with me. I am lucky. I know that. Out of all the places they could, they are with me at a party, a takeover, a date. That makes me special.
Despite whatever physical discomfort they are in, they still smile and bring joy to everyone around them and my words fail to capture how much respect and admiration I have for people who do that.
Friends have shared those deep thoughts with me about their mental state. People have social anxiety or maybe they are used to being the awkward person their whole life. They think everyone is judging them for being awkward or weird or saying the wrong thing at the wrong time. No one is doing any of these things, but people think it. I am guilty of those judgmental thoughts that everyone thinks I am weird, or I always say dumb words.
For those socially anxious people, be aware that it can take courage for them to express themselves, to get out there and dance, to dress up for a party, to interact with another couple. Give them grace and celebrate their efforts.
Best way to support them, when you see that flash of panic on their faces that their jokes fall flat or they did something that they think is embarrassing, help them. Laugh and smile and give them a hug. Let them know you accept them for all their foibles and quirks. Don’t be a dick to people. It takes courage to tell jokes around strangers so be the good person and laugh.
This does tie back to Ichiro Ichigo because those social awkward people and people in pain, they still want these once in a universe experiences. They still want to live to the fullest. Next time they may not be in discomfort, or might just a little bit be less self-conscious, support them in these little moments that matter today, right now. If every moment is unique, help others live in these moments to the fullest. Don’t be dick. They are blessing you with their presence, be appreciative of this gift.
How wild is that thought? You have the power to elevate another person’s experience for the first time and the only time ever. By being supportive of others, you can literally reshape the universe on a comic scale. If a single minute will never repeat, then that means that minute of time is the most special minute ever. And you can make that minute special for another person. Don’t be a dick.
If no two moments are ever the same, then time you spend with people, other humans, is the most special moment you can ever have. Again, trying to write out a deep fucking thought here and my words are failing me.
By the time you listen to this episode, it will be my one year anniversary of doing this podcast. Happy birthday to That Other Lifestyle. What have I done in a year? Over 50 episodes. I have interviewed and talked to amazing people including Jay Mojas, Lauren Hayes, the lovely Sol, the cool folks from Health Fit MD, my buddy DJ Fabz, really hoping I am not forgetting anyone.
This show has opened doors for me I never imagined. I am collaborating with a team for a national lifestyle convention in Vegas this year. I have partnered with awesome businesses like Risque Lifestyle Parties and STD Hero.
Having people come up to me and tell me they listen means the world to me. When I record these episodes, it is just me in my studio, talking into the air. To get feedback, to know people are enjoying and learning from this show is wonderful. It means I am doing what I set out to do, share the good, the bad, the ugly and the wilds sides of the Lifestyle that I enjoy so much.
Between all the scripts, I have written over 200,000 words this year. That’s a book. That’s a heavy novel that you use to prop up a table.
One year in and I am so close to 50,000 downloads, as I write this, I am only 2000 downloads away from that milestone. When I started the show, my original goal was a 1000 downloads for my first year, maybe 10,000 downloads so to be this close to 50,000 blows my mind. I have listeners all over the world, maybe 70-some-odd countries. I never expected a quarter of this, and I am so very thankful for it.
For the future, my next goal I want an award. I am a vain conceited bastard, and I want an award. ASN Magazine has an annual award show and one of those awards is Best Podcast. The nominations come out in March. There are not many awards for shows in this genre so winning this one, hell just being nominated. That’s my goal. And if I can’t do it in 2025, sure as hell going to try again in 2026.
For this show, I am going to keep doing what I am doing. Talking about whatever pops up in my head week to week, whatever topics excite me. I know if a topic excites me enough to write 5000 words about it, it will probably excite you too.
Engagement. I am giving y’all a pass on engagement. Engagement is a metric of how much your community interacts with your show. Comments, likes, shares all that stuff. What’s funny, I see influencers touting their engagement and encouraging people to like all their content.
I realize you may not be able to. I could post all day long on social media sites. You view it. You enjoy and consume it. But you ain’t going to give it a thumbs up or a like. I know why. By liking my content, you are guilty by association. People will start asking how come you like that swinging bastards’ videos? I get it. If you want to reach out and say hi you are more than welcome. If you see me at an event, come and say hi. I might look scary though I have it on good authority I am nice when you talk to me.
Where am I going from here? I gave this a lot of thought over the holidays and my final answer, I have no fucking clue. I am going to keep making these episodes. That’s locked in. I am working on my first book, and I will be dropping a new course, A guide to unicorns. I might move into videos, I may not. I might start a Patreon. I might start selling clothes. Meh. Skies the limit. There are no rules. And I like that. And I like you for listening to me.
The courses. I am proud of my courses. It took many hours of work to put those together and I have a list of more courses I plan to do in 2025. I am currently offering the Single men’s Guide to the Lifestyle and the Men’s Guide to Flirting in the Lifestyle. Those are available on my website, thatotherlifestyle.com. In honor of my one-year anniversary, if you have been looking at the Single Men’s course and are interested, I am running a sale, 50% off. Normally the course is 99 dollars, I am slashing the price to 45 dollars just for you dear listener. And anyone. Over 20 videos, like 9 hours of video content plus two eBooks in there.
The course teaches single men how to join the Lifestyle, navigate, do the online communication, be better men and earn their place in the Lifestyle. For single men, you want to be the kind of guy that couples recommend to other couples. This happens. I can teach you how to become that kind of guy.
This episode will drop on February 13, 2025. I will run the sale until March 1st. Makes a great gift. If you know a single guy out there that needs to step up their game, boom right here.
If this is your first episode, welcome. Go back and listen to the other 54 episodes. If you have been with me since the beginning, I thank you so much. I know my first five episodes sounded rough. I was nervous. I had a bad microphone. Thought about redoing those episodes. I decided not to. Let them be a testament to how far I have come. Going to keep riding this crazy train as long as people are listening.
I always appreciate hearing your feedback and comments on episodes or suggestions for topics, so feel free to reach out to me at host@thatotherlifestyle.com. My website is thatotherlifestyle.com.
My personal disclaimer, I am not a medical professional nor a trained and certified educator of any kind in any way. I am a guy with a microphone, sharing my personal experiences with you. This podcast is for entertainment purposes only and please join us for the next episode. Remember STI testing is important and takes a community to make a difference. Go to STDHero.com and use my promo code TOL10 for 10% your order.
Whatever you may do today, I hope you have a fantastic time doing it. Know that you are appreciated and loved. Have a great day.
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