Good morning, good afternoon, good evening. Wherever you are I hope you have blue skies. Welcome to That Other Lifestyle podcast. I am your host Jayson, leave Vanilla behind as we talk about preferences.
This podcast is for adults only. We’ll be diving into adult and sexual topics with plenty of colorful language, so it’s not safe for work. If you’re under 18, this isn’t the place for you. This show is all about exploring the lifestyle and ethical non-monogamy, and it’s open to everyone no matter your background, gender identity, expression, or personal truth. While I do my best to use inclusive language, you might hear terms like husband, wife, or partner for simplicity’s sake. This show is for everyone, lifestyle, vanilla, or the curious.
Want to connect? Send me an email to host@thatotherlifestyle.com, visit my website at thatotherlifestyle.com, and check out my favorite lifestyle product recommendations at benable.com/thatotherlifestyle. Everyone is welcome here because the lifestyle is about so much more than you think.
If you're in the Lifestyle, welcome, you beautiful, scandalous heathens. And if you're vanilla keep listening. We are talking about awkward topics today. That deep cringe. I promise this will be enlightening, awkward, educational and maybe funny. You might learn something. I know the topic today relates directly to questions we get from vanilla people about the Lifestyle.
Alright, Lifestyle folks, when was the last time you found yourself deep in the endless scroll of an adult site, swiping, clicking, and playing your own personal game of Fuckability compatibility guess who? Flipping through profiles, scanning, searching. Are you the kind that goes straight to the new couples? Are you the kind that looks for seasoned veterans? Do you zoom past the dick pics and obvious red flags like the heavily filtered pics with cat ears?
Now, let me ask you this, what the fuck are you looking for exactly? What’s your criteria? Height? Hair color? The perfect ratio of nudes to personality shots? Close up shots of buttholes? Or is it more of a vibe thing? Do you even read the profile or are you simply going off the pictures? What magic combo of qualities makes you stop mid-scroll, lick your lips and think, Huh. I need to know more about them.
Congratulations! You have preferences. Shocking, I know. But let’s get real, everyone in the Lifestyle does. Might be age, height, weight, hair color, relationship type, or maybe a well written profile? Stop using “looking for fun” as the only text you provide on your profile. No shit we are all looking for fun.
And guess what? That’s perfectly natural. You, as a person or a couple, are out here scanning for the qualities that make you go, Yeah, I’d like to get to know them... and maybe get on them. In a passionate naked kind of way. It’s human fucking nature. We’re wired to take one look at someone and, based on what we see, make a snap decision about whether we’d like to shake their hand or shake the headboard with them. I dare say it’s evolutionary. Wired into our lizard brains to make snap judgements about attraction. Worked for our cavepeople ancestors and it works for us. It is not bad to have preferences. It is normal and natural. Difference between us and the vanilla world, we can act on it.
And before anyone clutches their pearls, this isn’t just a Lifestyle thing. This happens in the vanilla world too. Another difference is that in the Lifestyle, we actually admit we’re doing it. Let’s say you are at a store and see a big jacked guy, maybe a little scruffy beard. Tank top. Carrying a puppy and roses. You will turn and look in a lustful manner. Or maybe it’s a cute blonde in a tank top carrying a puppy and roses. This is a super dumb trope from movies and television.
The dumpy husband sees a cute lady in public and the wife gives me a playful slap to stop. Or the half smirk, like she is judging his behavior and doesn’t approve but is going to dismiss it this time. I fucking hate when people do that to me. Lifestyle couples, the wife will probably encourage her husband to go say hi.
Look, we all have preferences. We have preferences for movies, some people love horror movies, I don’t. I respect people who do. Ain’t my jam but if you want to indulge in some gory late night movie go for it. We have preferences for food, people love sushi, others think raw fish is disgusting. We have preferences on how we spend our free time. I go to the gym. Others play video games. Or go shopping or doom scrolling. Perfectly normal. Preferences shape our choices.
Now, inevitably, some enlightened souls will pop up and say, ‘But if you only stick to your preferences, you’ll never experience anything new!’ And to that, I say: Calm the fuck down.
Sure, expanding your horizons is great, try a new dish, watch a movie outside your usual genre, maybe even step outside your comfort zone in the bedroom and try anal. But let’s be real: We’re all grown adults here. Our preferences, whether for food, films, or fuck buddies, are shaped by a lifetime of experiences. And if someone’s personal preference doesn’t include you? That’s not discrimination, that’s just life.
And here we arrive at the double-edged sword of preferences. We all have them, because, again, they’re perfectly fucking normal. But the catch? We don’t want them used against us. We don’t want someone else’s preferences to be the reason we get left out of the fun. We don’t want preferences to be weaponized against us.
Here’s the truth: Having preferences isn’t the problem. Knowing what you like and don’t like? That’s actually a good thing, it means you can communicate it clearly instead of playing a guessing game like some kind of lifestyle escape room. Every interacted with a couple who either can’t explain what they like or answer that they like everything. Both are infuriating. It won’t hurt my feelings, I promise, if I am not your cup of tea.
In the Lifestyle, we all have preferences for the couples we interact with, flirt with, and maybe take for a spin in the bedroom. And that’s not a bad thing, it’s the whole point.
At the end of the day, we’re all curating our own VIP list, our own personal algorithm for attraction. We get to decide who we share our time, our energy, and our bodies with. And that’s not discrimination, that’s just how human connection works. Period. We can choose who we have sex with based on our criteria because we all have body autonomy.
This is a taboo topic to a lot of people. We need to collectively normalize this conversation and understand that other people have preferences, they will apply those preferences to us. And furthermore, we need to be understanding that people have preferences and not shit on anyone’s preferences. Just because someone is not sexually attracted to you does not mean you can’t get along and be friends.
This is about deciding who you are willing to have sex with. This is about empowering your own body autonomy. Which no one should ever violate or attempt to force you to negotiate.
The topic of having preferences gets personal because people are worried about hurting someone else’s feelings. We worry that if we share that another couple is not what we are looking we may make them unhappy. They will be displeased with us. And I counter that we are all adults and should be able to accept a no gracefully.
Here’s where people get it twisted, we conflate preferences with prejudice. ‘Oh, you have a type? That means you’re prejudging people!’ Well… yeah, kind of. We all make snap judgments based on what we can observe. But let’s not pretend preferences are set in stone like some ancient swinger tablet of rules.
Preferences aren’t always a hard and fast measure. You might not be instantly drawn to someone physically, but their personality? Their charm? Their absolute vibe? You may meet a supremely attractive couple who have the personality of a shit covered barn stall. It happens. Then you have to question whether that dick you got was worth dealing with someone’s abrasive jackass attitude.
And if you spend your entire time in Lifestyle chasing some mythical ‘perfect couple’ that checks every box, congrats, you’re about to have a long and lonely journey filled with disappointment and ghosting. Your preferences shouldn’t be a rigid checklist; they should be a mosaic of qualities, not just a single, static image.
Oh, and while we’re at it, let’s make one concept clear. Preferences and boundaries? Not the same thing. Preferences are about what you seek, enjoy, and are attracted to. Boundaries? Those are the hard limits, the non-negotiables, the ‘nope, not today, Satan’ rules you set for yourself. Mixing those two up is like confusing a ‘wine preference’ with an ‘alcohol tolerance.’ One’s flexible, the other’s gonna end your night real quick
A boundary is saying I do not want to watch a horror movie, I do not enjoy them for my own reasons. A preference is saying, I do enjoy horror movies and want to watch them. Or I do not want to watch a horror movie, but I won’t stop someone else from watching them in the same room. I guess one works on the negative and one works on the positive. While a preference may wiggle, a boundary does not. That’s the difference.
Putting this another way. You may prefer men with tattoos. You are attracted to that. You may have a boundary against being held down. That is non-negotiable. You may find a man with tattoos who enjoys holding their sex partner down, in a consensual manner. That guy is off the table. While you may be physically attracted to him because he fits your preference, there is a boundary there that cannot be crossed.
Let’s talk about preferences, specifically, how to figure out your own.
When you first get into the Lifestyle, it’s an unlimited buffet of genitals and fun. Everything is new, everything looks delicious, and you want all the sex. That’s normal. In fact, that’s half the fun. But over time, you’ll start to refine your taste. You’ll learn what you actually like, what’s just shiny and new, and what was a fun experiment but… yeah, never again.
Figuring out your preferences takes experience, and here’s the kicker, they evolve. What were you into at the start? It might not be what it does for you later on. And that’s okay. Growth is sexy. Evolution is sexy. Stagnation is not sexy. You do not have to accept every couple that shows interest in you. It is okay to be picky.
Now, the first thing everyone thinks about? Pure, raw, physical attraction. The ‘do I want to climb them like a tree’ factor. And look, physical attraction is nuanced. There’s no single formula here. What kind of body type makes you weak in the knees? What about hair color? Eye color? Skin tone? Dick size? Boob size? Asses that could start or end wars? Whatever it is, there’s no right or wrong answer. Attraction isn’t a democracy, it’s a you thing. And that’s perfectly fine.
Now, people may argue with me and say, ‘Actually, there is a wrong answer.’ And let’s be real, those people are usually the ones who don’t fit your preference. Funny how that works, right?
Here’s a fun fact that might blow some minds: You can be physically attracted to someone who looks nothing like your spouse. Audible gasp. I know. What a concept.
What does that mean? It means you’re not locked into some unspoken contract where you’re only allowed to be attracted to the clones of your partner. You might be married to a big, burly dude who can deadlift a small car, but that doesn’t mean you can’t also appreciate the lanky guy who looks like he just rolled out of an indie band’s tour van.
Or let’s talk about beards. Fucking beards. Some women are married to men who can’t grow one. It happens. Genetics is cruel like that. But put her in front of a guy with a luscious, perfectly sculpted beard, and suddenly, she’s intrigued. Not because she’s unhappy in her marriage or with the way her husband looks, but because it’s different. It’s novel. Attractions are weird, fluid, and personal. And that’s what makes it fun
It is okay to question what you like. It is okay to examine what you want in a sexual partner. It is not okay to decide that you will not associate with anyone that does not fit your personal preferences. Yeah, you may not want to fuck them, but it does not make them any less valid as a person. If you are out there just looking for people to fuck with total disregard of other people as humans, that’s fucked up. I will call that out as fucked up.
Here’s where preferences get icky. With your preferences, you are filtering out people based on purely personal fuckability criteria, you are making a judgement call and for some people, which feels off and wrong. Like you are judging people. Which you are. You have physical traits you find attractive. No, not everyone will fit that mold and that’s fine. You are not obligated to fuck every single person that crosses your path or shows interest in you. That’s not how attraction works or sanity.
There is a line here. It is okay to say no because you are not physically attracted to someone. It is not okay to act like they shouldn’t exist in your orbit because you don’t want to fuck them. They are still valid human beings. The Lifestyle isn’t about treating people like background characters. It is a community. So be kind and be respectful and for the love of all things sexy, do not treat others like Non player characters in your game of life because they are not on your to do list today.
In the lifestyle though, physical attraction is not the whole equation. We have to look at people in totality to figure out if we are attracted to them physically, mentally, emotionally. Attraction is complicated and lives on a spectrum.
Personality is a huge factor in our attraction in the Lifestyle. As I alluded to earlier, you might be a couple and they both are sexy as hell. They fit your physical desires perfectly. And they are fucking assholes. What do you do? Accept the fact they have the personality of runny mayonnaise or do you look at them holistically and realize that maybe the sex ain’t worth it. I am pretty sure I have used that joke about runny mayonnaise before and you know what I fucking love it. It is a good analogy.
Flip side. Might be a couple who may not fit your exact criteria, but they are fabulous people. Funny, nice, great personalities. I would argue in all cases; good personality goes a long way to fostering sexual attraction. Because of true sexual attraction, the idea that yes, I want to rub my genitals with this other person, involves more than just physical compatibility.
Diverging wildly right here and someone needs to hear this. You might not have abs you could grate cheese on. Maybe your gym membership is just a donation at this point. It happens! Most people in the lifestyle are over 40, and gravity and carbs are our nemesis. I’ve heard from a lot of folks who worry that their body isn’t doing them any favors in the attraction department, and that’s a valid concern.
The honest truth, a killer personality beats a six pack any day. Witty, charming, funny, sultry, kind, these qualities aren’t just nice to have; they’re aphrodisiacs. You don’t need to look like a Marvel superhero if you can make a woman laugh so hard, she snorts. Panties have been lost to well-timed humor more than to protein shakes.
And ladies, the secret weapon? Giving a damn. Being attentive in conversation, showing real interest, not just nodding while waiting for your turn to talk or that glazed over disinterested look, makes a guy feel like the main character. And when a man feels special, he’s about three compliments away from an erection.
A question to ask while you are pondering your preferences, what kind of connection are you looking for? Maybe you only want one night stands or maybe you want a long term friendship. Good things to know about what you are looking for so you can make informed decisions when you are meeting couples. To thine oneself be true. You can’t tell other people what you are looking for unless you know yourself. If another couple says they are looking for a long term friendship and all you want is a one night stand, that is a misalignment in preferences. Which happen?
Misalignments are natural because every person has a different desire. Attraction will not always be mutual. Chemistry takes a bunch of ingredients to happen but I ain’t one of those science nerds. How to tell if there is a misalignment here? Body language is one. If the other side of the equation is physically stand off-ish, that’s a signal. If the conversation is very one sided, that’s a signal. Couples who are interested will tell you they are interested. A misalignment is not bad, recognizing it early will save you time and energy.
Another misalignment might be the dreaded uneven attraction scenario. One person is really excited to proceed, and the other one is not. Nothing personal against you, they may not be feeling the connection as strong. Should you persevere and push through it, hoping they might change their mind. No. No no no don’t do that. If the chemistry ain’t there, don’t push. I am willing to conjecture there is very little you can do to change their minds and again that would be wasted time and energy.
More compatibility, another factor is play style. If you are looking for a soft swap couple, that is what you prefer, then going after a full swap couple will not work. Maybe the full swap couple would be willing to shift to soft swap. That’s the reason I say preferences are malleable. Maybe the other couple will shift to accommodate your preference. They don’t have too though. At the fuck all.
One area that no one should try to shift around is safety style. As a couple, what is your preference on safety? Testing frequency? What kind of safety protocol do you look for in another couple? Does it match what you want?
Am I making this too complicated yet? I got at least one person out there thinking, but it’s just sex. You are making it too complicated Jason. Am I? Figuring out what you prefer leads to better encounters in the lifestyle. And that figuring out takes time. It takes experience.
The last factor I thought of is relationship style. What kind of relationship are you looking for? Are you the kind of couple that prefers single women or maybe single men? Do you lean more towards the polyamorous side of the lifestyle or more of one and done kind of couple? Do you have the mental bandwidth to handle a long term friendship?
Layers, nuances, factors. All that to say preferences in the Lifestyle are way more fucking complicated than just I found another person physically attractive. And damn it. It should be that way. If we are a community of people, we need to look at the whole person to determine attraction. Even if you are a one night stand kind of couple, you can’t make decisions based on physical attraction alone.
That was a list of stuff and now your head is spinning because you are trying to figure out what are you attracted to? I hope I have made you completely question what you find attractive in other people.
We figured out our personal criteria that we are looking for in potential naked friends, what do we do with them? Share them. Make a seven feet tall banner and wave them around at parties. Create a handy checklist that you can share with prospective partners. Ask couples to write a book report. I am exaggerating, a little but not that much. I have seen some shit.
There are couples out there that will write out every little factor they are looking for in their profiles on the adult dating sites. Down to the amount of body hair you should have. Other couples don’t share anything. Two big extremes and I feel you should land somewhere in the middle.
You could use your profile as a way to filter out incompatible people. Most sites have fields where you can denote how important physical appearance or intelligence are. High, medium, low kind of scale. Will people look at that and consider what you desire? Probably not. To be honest, most people are flipping through profiles, looking for hot pics. That’s their criteria but you dear listeners are not in that population. We will use the fields that are available to accurately describe what we are looking for in a nice way.
You can share whatever you want in your profile text. Be as descriptive as possible. For example, what I see, couples will put in their bio section, no single men please. That’s a preference they are expressing. They are not interested in interacting with single men. If you are a single man and you see this on their profile, don’t think, oh well I am special, and this doesn’t apply to me. No, it does. They took the time to write it, and you need to respect it.
Another one I see in profiles is HWP. Teaching everyone a new acronym today. HWP means Height, Weight proportional. As in this couple is looking for a couple that are in relatively good shape. In other words, their weight is proportional to their height. But Jason sounds kind of exclusionary because some people might not be height weight proportional, and this couple is excluding them. Yeah. And.
I have found the people who have a problem with seeing HWP on a profile are the ones who are not height weight proportional. This is a good thing though. When a couple uses that phrase on their profile, you now have information to make an informed decision on whether to reach out to them. Are you and your spouse height weight proportional? That’s a personal judgement call for you to make.
And to address this. Don’t reach out to people that, based on the preferences listed in their bio, would not be interested in you. Sounds jackass I know, but reaching out to couples that are incompatible with you is a jackass thing to do. Giving you the honest truth here, you are not special enough that this couple will suddenly change their criteria for you. Then when there is rejection, someone gets butthurt and pissy. Literally did it to yourself.
I know I tell people to take their shot, swing for the fences because you never know what might happen. I get that. Sometimes you just want to try your hand. Best of luck to you. If they want to play golf and all you have is a soccer ball, no one is going to have fun.
One more. BBC or no BBC. Big Black Cock. Some couples are looking for BBC, some couples are not looking for it. And to address the elephant in the room, someone will ask wouldn’t that be racists since you are excluding someone based on their race? What about Big White Cock? In this case, I say no. BBC is a specific kink that people may or may not have. And they are not making a judgement call about you as a person. They know what they are looking for in terms of sexual encounters, not handing out bank loans here.
In this case, race is a variable in attraction not the totality. No different than age or bisexuality. A couple may choose to exclude someone based on their age or may only look for bisexual women. This is about someone’s personal choices for who they want to fuck.
If you do not meet the criteria that a couple is looking for, stop taking it personally. No one is asking you to change to fit their mold. They have a mold. They have a type. You have a mold and a type. If that doesn’t match up, it does not mean there is a deficiency in you. At all.
Now, should you lay out all your preferences in your profile? Short answer: Share as much as you’re comfortable with. Long answer: Just remember, the smaller the net, the fewer the fish. If your profile reads like a highly specific casting call for a documentary about the French revolution, don’t be surprised when only a handful of people fit the part.
Now, let’s talk real-life scenarios. Say a couple reaches out, and they’re just not your type. Whatever criteria you’re using, they don’t check the boxes. No big deal. Be gracious, be honest. A simple, ‘You seem like great people, but I don’t think we’re a good match. Thanks for reaching out!’ does the job. You don’t need to write them a dissertation on why their particular combination of genetics, grooming choices, and personal style didn’t ignite the fire of your loins.
And for the love of all things sexy, do not be an ass about it. I’ve heard horror stories, couples reaching out, only to get hit with rage essays from people offended that someone dared message them without meeting their exact specifications. Like, chill the fuck out. If you didn’t list your preferences on your profile, don’t act shocked when people outside your type shoot their shot. Knowledge is power and if someone lacks knowledge about what you are looking for, what the fuck do you expect to happen?
At the end of the day, you’re always allowed to say no. Consent is king, and you have 100% control over who gets to touch you. But there’s a way to say ‘no thanks’ without being a complete dick about it. Manners are sexy too, people.
Flip side, if someone says you are not their type, take it gracefully. Don’t try to figure out why you don’t fit their type. Don’t try to change their mind. Accept it and move on. Yes, I have heard horror stories going the opposite direction. Couples tell other couples they are not interested, and the other couple then decides to nitpick and question and try to overcome all objections. Say no gracefully and kindly and accept a no gracefully and kindly.
With this begs the question of how closely are you going to stick to your preferences? If you only want redheads, that is what you find attractive, are you sticking to that no matter what? Ain’t a lot of redheads out there. So, you need to be able to answer the question, do these people need to be perfect matches or is there wiggle room here? I can tell you from personal experience, a good personality is super attractive, but you won’t be able to learn about someone’s personality if you are only going off superficial physical appearance.
What you look for in a couple can evolve and change. You are not locked into what you find attractive when you join the Lifestyle versus once you have experience. I find generally people’s preferences expand with time. Which is a good thing.
And now, a bit of pro advice, know your partner’s preferences. Like, you know their shoe size, right? Or their favorite food? Or favorite tv show? Just like you know what they prefer in the vanilla world, you need to know who will fit your partner’s attraction radar. Here why. Let’s say you handle all the social media stuff. You scan the sites, you do the messaging, making connections, planning all the lifestyle activities. You find a promising couple, got them lined up, you are all excited because you did good and plot twist, you show their picture to your spouse and nothing. Nope. Dry loins. No pulse or excitement.
Boom. All that time is wasted, and the connection is dead on arrival. Now you are sitting there dejected and upset. Could have been avoided. Do yourself and your spouse a favor, get on the same page. Know what they like, what makes them say I want that. It saves time and effort. Communication is sexy and efficient. How do you go about figuring this out?
Two scenarios are going to happen when you ask. Your spouse will have a pretty good picture in their mind that they can share. Or the other scenario, they have no clue. To figure out the physical aspects, ask your spouse about movie stars and celebrities they find attractive. I am willing to bet after they have named the tenth person, you will be able to gather the data and create a decent amalgamation in your brain of their type.
The other data point we need is personality. Ask your spouse about conversations they remember. What about the conversation makes it memorable. Could be with anyone. Could be about anything. What we are looking for is the through line, either positive or negative. Maybe they remember a conversation with a coworker that was really funny or maybe they remember a time when someone gave them a back handed compliment, nope didn’t like that.
Another option is to ask about fictional characters they resonate with. Maybe Dracula, tall dark and handsome or a character that is really suave or funny. Don’t be sneaky about this either. Tell them what the fuck you are doing and why you want to know the information.
I always appreciate hearing your feedback and comments on episodes or suggestions for topics, so feel free to reach out to me at host@thatotherlifestyle.com. My website is thatotherlifestyle.com.
My personal disclaimer, I am not a medical professional nor a trained and certified educator of any kind in any way. I am a guy with a microphone, sharing my personal experiences with you. This podcast is for entertainment purposes only and please join us for the next episode. Remember STI testing is important and takes a community to make a difference. Go to STDHero.com and use my promo code TOL10 for 10% your order.
Whatever you may do today, I hope you have a fantastic time doing it. Know that you are appreciated and loved. Have a great day.
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